Mom Shame and Abortion
We don’t talk about motherhood and abortion in any way commensurate with the shared experience that it is. The shame that I see in my office isn’t limited to abortion.
Each person presents with unique emotions and life circumstances in their choice to get an abortion. When I walk into an exam room, and someone is visibly ashamed, I know it’s essential to sit down to listen before talking about medical options. As a doctor, I would never think of categorizing the emotions that patients are experiencing. They’re all jumbled up! However, as a writer, two topics immediately emerge regarding the shame I see expressed in my practice: motherhood and religion.
For the next few posts, we’re going to talk about being a mom and choosing abortion. We’ll get to religion in future posts.
Please listen to this rich interview—it is such a gift! This couple talks intimately about their decision-making process. Together, they have a one-year-old. They thoughtfully explore this choice alongside their relationship, culture, family, career goals, and happiness.
“Being pregnant and making the decision to end the pregnancy, for us personally, in our space, where we’re married, we have other children, we have a one-year-old, it is a very emotional decision to say we don’t want to bring in another one. It feels selfish, and there's shame that comes with it.”
Read the full transcript here.
As you listen, you hear that she feels shame, and he is not having the same experience. He’s more practical. He recognizes the need to help her through these emotions. This is a familiar dynamic in my practice. I find it so refreshing to listen to couples talk in this way. It gives me hope and makes me reimagine abortion in a world where we can all talk like this!
We don’t talk about motherhood and abortion in any way commensurate with the shared experience that it is. According to the CDC, six in ten women who have abortions in the United States are already mothers, and over a third of them have two or more children (Abortion Surveillance - United States, 2021 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). It’s higher than this in my practice - at least 75%. Yet, those who come to me feel so alone in their decision.
When I started to read more about shame, I had an “Aha moment.” The shame that I see in my office isn’t limited to abortion. It also has to do with motherhood itself. This made so much sense! FYI, Brown identifies the primary source of shame for women as how we look! Still!
“Interestingly, in terms of shame triggers for women, motherhood is a close second. And (bonus!) you don’t have to be a mother to experience mother shame. Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; therefore our value as women is often determined by where we are in relation to our roles as mothers or potential mothers … Mother shame is ubiquitous – it’s a birthright for girls and women.” (Brown 86-87)
I’ve had two sons and three abortions, two of which were completed after I became a mom. For me, the shame I experienced wasn’t around abortion itself. I never felt it was “wrong” to make these decisions, nor did I think it was anyone else’s choice. I feel compassion for those who do contend with these shaming voices on top of such a difficult personal decision. Personally, my shame came from feeling like an inadequate mom and woman. Simply writing these words and acknowledging these emotions is helpful, so I’m no longer alone with them.
How about you? Does any of this resonate with your life?
“Abortion Surveillance - United States, 2021.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 22 Nov. 2023, www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/72/ss/ss7209a1.htm.
Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Penguin Random House Audio Publishing Group, 2018.
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